Lost

I am at a bit of a loss here.

I like to write on this blog about interesting happenings in my work. However, since I got back from vacation in the States I have felt like I am on a downward, slippery, quickly sliding slope. I just feel...I dont know. I guess thats the loss. I dont really know what I feel but I know that its not really a feeling of happiness about wanting to be here. I dont want to be there, either. Anyone who saw me when I was at home could see in my eyes and hear in my voice that I wanted to go back home--to Ecuador. So now I am back, so now what? Work has become just that: work. Work, by my personal definition, is something that you get up for in the morning, but avoid doing for as long as is humanly possible. Terribly negative outlook, isnt it? Work is generally enjoyed once you are there, but you look for other things to do to keep youself busy outside of work, too. Thats sort of what my life here has become: work.

Maybe I just like to complain, maybe its because I am a "city volunteer", maybe its because I dont have a tv, maybe its because I'm broke, maybe its because I am perpetually single in a country where young couples take PDA to a whole new level, maybe its just me--but I feel like my life is too much about work and not enough about learning, enjoying, being. So what do I want to learn, enjoy...(gasp!), be? Good question. Theres that loss again. I am working on figuring that out (by working on it I mean being at a total loss and spending WAY more time than is healthy for a human sitting on my futon and reading books, with occasional trips to the internet cafe to research "future plans"). So what should I do? I am open for suggestions. Speaking of suggestions, sometimes (and by sometimes I mean all the time) writing on this blog makes me sad when people dont post comments. I mean, I mean not to fish for compliments, but I want thoughts, perspectives, opinions. Thats why I keep this thing for cripes sake, I can keep a journal on my own without posting it on the internet. Por gusto me voy a continuar escribiendo aqui si nadie lo esta leyendo? So anyhow, let me know your thoughts on that (silence is a thought as well).

In the meantime what do I have to tell you? In an attmept to do whatever it took to get the hell out of my site, I recently went on a little trip. I went up to Súa, where I spent last Christmas, and went whale watching. It was amazing. We saw a family of whales and I took great pictures (which I would share with you except that this computer doesnt want to read my pendrive right now). I then went to another beach (Mompiche) and hung out on a hidden black sand beach area. Wonderful again. Then I went to a town called Mindo (I have been there before, during training) and went zip-lining through the canopy trees in the cloud forest. More amazing and wonderul things that I get to do in my lucky life here (and I dont mean that in a sarcastic way). During the trip I chatted with some other volunteers (because thats mostly who I was with) and I pulled outta my slump, if even just for a minute. One of the volunteers I was with had a really great time talking about how he hates Ecuador and hates his job and hates Ecuadorians and hate hate hate. I do not hate Ecuador. I love Ecuador; I am just bored (I was bored in the States, too, hell, how do you think I ended up here??). The best thing about leaving site is coming back. I missed my house and I missed my solitude and I missed the Mujeres. But then I get back and there is no food in my house, and I am bored being alone at home, and the Mujeres missed me, too, but did just fine without me (and cripes let me talk before you jump in correcting me about what it is I did on my trip!).

Anyway, I am getting no where with this post. I will try to be more positive next time, if I decide I have something worth writing when next time comes around.

Peace,
Theresa