Lets Go to the Movies

Would you take your 5 year old to see Mr. Woodcock? Just based on the title of the movie, and the fact that the main characters are Billy Bob Thorton and the guy who got famous as playing Stifler in the American Pie movies, I would guess that the answer is a resounding NO. I would agree, and so would whoever makes ratings for movies, as I would assume that Mr. Woodcock is rated PG-13. I wouldn’t know, because these ratings don’t seem to apply here in Ecuador…it was listed as a movie appropriate for children 12 years old and up, but it seems to me that those listings are made for fun or formality sake, because the people selling the tickets don’t seem to care.

Here in Ecuador one of my favorite things to do is to go to the movies. Alone. I never did that in the States, never had the courage nor the need I guess, either. But I do it quite a bit here, and I especially enjoy it when the theater is nearly empty; in fact if I am the only one there its perfect! This past Sunday I decided to go to a movie after a “date” I had with an EcuaDude ended after he pumped gas in his car and made an emergency appointment with his mechanic because his car was stalling (he buys and sells cars for a living and needed the car to be sale-ready. I like to believe that it really was an emergency, because I looked really cute that day and I don’t like to think he was just ditching me. Why even show up then, right??). I made it to the mall with 10 minutes to spare for show time (not bad seeing as how I didn’t even know when it was starting). I bought my ticket and thought to myself, “Hmm, there must be a lot of people seeing Wall-E today, cuz there sure are a lot of kids out here.” I bought my usual Kiddie Combo popcorn, candy bar and drink and headed in.

The theater is packed, I am forced to sit in the 5^th row, just so I can have a few seats as a buffer between me and the nearest movie-watcher. Strike One. The previews start and more people continue to file into the theater. A group of teenagers sit in my row, leaving only one seat of buffer on my right between me and them. There is no way I can pretend that I am alone in this theater with people sitting so freaking close to me! Strike Two. A family comes in: Mom, Dad, daughter age 7ish, daughter age 5ish. They are looking for seats, I am relieved that the whole front row is open for them to pick from, and besides there are only 3 seats to my left, so that’s not enough space for them. You can imagine my shock when the dad comes up to me and asks if I would mind moving into the empty buffer seat to my right so that his family can fit on the left. My annoyed expression and rolled eyes must have been clearly visible in the dark theater, because he tossed in a “No seas malita” which literally means “don’t be mean” but is used in Ecuador to mean “pretty, pretty please.” Strike Three. I move over.

As if it can get any worse, the children proceed to talk during the entire movie. The movie is in English, subtitles in Spanish, so OF COURSE the 5 and 7 year old are bored. I am sure they had no freaking idea what the hell was going on, besides what they can gather from the pictures. Oh wait, no…Daddy helped them out with that one--as he proceeded to give them a play by play of what was happening. Whenever the 5 year old did catch a word that was said in the movie, like “Bye” and “Thank you,” she would repeat it over and over and over again. “Bye! Bye! Bye! What does ‘bye’ mean, daddy?” He leans in as if he’s going to whisper the answer to her, and answers at full volume that it means “adios.” “Adios! Adios! Bye! Bye! Bye!” she repeats. Well great, glad I could sit through your freaking English lesson.

So, to my left I have a family which clearly doesn’t understand the no-talking-during-the-movie rule, a 7 year old practically spilling her soda on my shoe, and a 5 year old learning that “please” means “porfavor.” Directly behind me is another child, who is running back and forth between her mom and dad, batting my head in the process. My eyes are distracted by the glow of a text-messager’s cell phone 2 rows ahead of me. Somewhere in the back, an infant starts crying. To make matters worse, the movie sorta sucks. But what really got me is that this movie was filled with sexual references. I mean, I guess its not like the 5 year old could read what was going on (or the 7 year old either, who knows?), but still. Women getting their butts grabbed, men making grinding motions, a bed bouncing up and down with “Oh, oh, oh” sounds in the background. And I am sure this isn’t the first age-inappropriate movie they have seen in their lives. And I wonder why EcuaChildren can be so inappropriate sometimes? Cripes, who can blame them?

So here’s the lesson, parents. PG-13 means 13 and up--or 12 and up, if you happen to live in Ecuador. Either way, it does not mean 5 or 7, and P.S. if the movie is not dubbed into Spanish so that kids don’t have to read along to get it, its probably not appropriate for your kids to watch. And by the way, leave the gringa alone. Don’t sit next to me!