This is What it Doing Nothing Looks Like

You know what happens when I come to the office too much? Well, besides being constantly accused of having anemia and anorexia (as if anorexia is something that you just catch, like the flu), what happens is that I write on my blog more often. You know why? Well, because the internet is free and there ain't a whole lot going on in the office. At least not that I have anything to do with...

Which leads me to the point of this blog. This blog can be filed under the "complaining about the life we have choosen for ourselves" catagory of bitching. My least favorite kind of bitching, but hey--indulge me. And if not? Well, you have been warned...

So not last week but the week before we (as in the community promoters of my counterpart organization and myself) were wrapping up the HIV test campaign. It was a really huge deal, and I was really proud of the work that they had done. They set the goal waaaay back when to do 500 HIV tests in each of the 6 barrios that they work in. Each week of November they were out in the subcentros (sub centers? I dont really know, but it means like community clinic) to do the tests. The weekend before they would go door-to-door in the barrio that was having the tests the next week to get the word out and encourage people to come in and take the test. In the end, they met their goal, and then some, which is totally freaking awesome if you ask me.

Really, I don't know why I am using the pronoun "they," because I was there and I helped. My job was to take the datos, or the basic info about the person who was going to take the test: name, cedula number (like social security number), birthday, address, phone number. You would think that this would be an easy enough task that even a well trained monkey could do. And really, it would be, if that monkey was native to the language and land in which these datos were being given. Think if you had to write down the names of hundreds of Americans in your city... Most likely several names would be familiar to your ears, you would know how to spell the variations of the name, many names would be repeated, especially common last names to your city. You would also be familiar with the streets in your city, and the way in which addresses are written and understood. You would also know that if someone gave you a social security number with 8 digits instead of 9 that they had made some kind of mistake. Now, do that in Ecuador. Add in noise the prometores and nurses and people waiting for their tests and the fact that you already dont hear all that well. Add in the fact that its not uncommon in the barrio to know how to say your name, but not how to spell it. Nor is uncommon to have no clue what your birthday is or how old you are. Nor is it common to deal with gringas who don't really speak your language and don't always understand what you are saying, but when you do it is perfectly acceptable to be totally rude and condescending about how she does not know how to spell your name (even if you dont either...). So, my seemingly simple task quickly became relatively difficult, but I still got my butt out to the barrio almost everyday around 7 or 8am to do it. By the end of each week it got a little easier, as I would learn the streets in that area and the common last names, but then we would change to a new barrio with new streets and new names. Asi es la vida, no?

Like I said, I made it out to the barrio almost everyday for the tests. If I didnt make it out, it was because I was also moving apartments at that same time, and occasionally needed to run out to my new place to do totally unimportant things like sign my lease and pay my rent. Or because I was hosting the majority of the volunteers from my cluster for the "Fall Flu Shot Tour" at my house. Or maybe I needed to do something really selfish, like go to the grocery store (which needs to be done in the morning to avoid having to walk home at night). During the weeks of the test I also continued my regularly scheduled programming of working with the Mujeres, including the planning for and the visit from the Deputy Assistant Secratary guy that I already told you about; and working with the Jovenes de Afromix, including participation in a really great dance program that the Canadian volunteer who was with my organization had put together (we danced to "Errtime" by Nelly. Sounds corney, but it was basically the coolest thing EVER!). So, you would imagine my surprize when my main counterpart person told me that some people in the office had confronted her to ask her why Tere (thats what everyone calls me here, short for Teresa, duh) isn't doing anything. I believe the exact words that I was told were: "Why is Tere here? I thought she came to help us with the HIV/AIDS project, but she isn't doing anything but hanging out with the Mujeres de Lucha."

I'm sorry, what? This is what doing nothing looks like to you people? So I guess thats why I use the pronoun "they" whenever I refer to any work that I do with the promotores. Because they tend to make me feel like, no matter what I do, I am not a part of them. Of course my counterpart broke this news to me as we were walking to the bus to go to a meeting with the Jovenes. Good thing she was on the bus with me, because I became so preoccupied with self-analysis during that busride that I would have forgetten to get off if she had not called out my name. So anyone who knows me, especially my old boss and any of my old coworkers, knows that I am basically a workaholic. I basically will kill myself in effort to get the job done and to get it done well. I am my own worst critic, and if something isn't going well with something that I am working on, my first instinct is to blame my approach at the situation and try to find a better way to do it. I could easily blame this on UWGB Social Work program Competency number 4: Evaluation (reassess the plan and change as needed when the goals are not being met), or on Wisconsin State Statutes Chapter 48: parent has 15 months to meet court conditions, what reasonable efforts are being made by the Department to assist the parent in meeting the conditions? I could easily blame it on that kind of training that I have had to be a good social worker and find a way to approach the problem from a new direction. But I won't, because its really just me. Because any good social worker would tell you that you should never work harder than they are. That tends to be my problem, and without my boss and my coworkers around, I guess I forgot about that.

So anyhow, before I was reminded of the golden rule of never working harder than they are (luckily I called a friend, she set me straight. Shes reading this right now, because she is a blogstalker through and through...) I did what I always do:

Step 1. Overanalyze. As already described above.

Step 2. Cry your eyes out. Unfortunately, that step occured when I was sitting on the couch at one of my joven's houses. And I am talking full out, Theresa is really upset, heaping, shoulder shaking, voice jumping, sobbing. It was not pretty, folks. And my kids were like, "How could anyone say that you arent doing anything? You are here with us!" My counterpart was there, too, saying the same thing. She was like, "Tere, I could never think what they think. I work with you, I know what you are doing, they don't. Plus, this is just the way it is in Ecuador, everyone talks bad behind everyone else's back." I told her that I gave that up in high school. Not entirely true, but I mean really? You dont diss a person's work, thats as low as you can go for me. I also told her to try and put herself in my shoes. I left my friends, my family, my job, my LIFE; I left that all behind to come here and work. I am never comfortable here, because I am ALWAYS the extranjera (foreigner), I am always the outsider. This is the life that I have choosen, nobody said it was gonna be easy, but I would appreciate it if folks would have some freaking empathy, you know. Yeah, she didnt really understand, because no one can really put themselves in someone else's shoes. Aint that just the beauty of life.

Step 3: Continue overanalyzing, formalize approach. I wrote the prometores a letter (my counterpart joked that she hoped it wasnt my resignation letter, because then it would be her turn to cry). In this letter I kindly reminded them that I am here to help, and that since the HIV/AIDS project is coming to an end, I wanted to remind them of the plethora of charla themes that I can offer to them and their community. I then listed out some 30 different charla topics, and gave options of about 10 times during the week when I am available to give charlas to them; which they can then give in their community (with my help if they want it, because again, I am here to help them). I presented this letter at the next prometores meeting.

I will give you three guesses at what happened next. You guessed it! A whole lotta nothing, and more crying! Great! Just what I wanted! Yeah, I explained the letter and the response was blank stares. So then I asked my counterpart to explain, perhaps they didnt understand me. So she explains the letter again, and blatantly points out that the reason for the letter was because there were complaints that I was doing nothing to help, despite the fact that I have asked each of the prometores on several occasions what I can do to get involved in their barrio. Each of these times I have been told to come to a meeting, to do this or do that. Each time when I try to follow up with these requests, my text messages go unanswered, my phone calls are not answered, and in person I am given the almighty "ya mismo." Then one of the prometores, who is actually the prometora for the barrio where I work with the jovenes, said that she has no problem with the work that I am doing. The prometora for the barrio where the Mujeres are said the same. The one who I helped in planning the get-the-word-out for the HIV tests said the same thing. The one who neglected to respond to my text message on the morning that we had planned to meet with some kids in her barrio echoed these sentiments. This leaves the folks who were talking shit. None of them seemed to want to say anything when confronted directly with the shit they were slanging behind my back. So my counterpart called them out directly. They cowarded, of course. Backpeddled about what was said, made excuses, took the blame, blah blah blah. At one point one of the girls complained that until recently I wasnt attending to prometores meetings, and that I wasnt there to help plan for the HIV tests. I pointed out (between my sobs and sniffles) that the reason for this is because I was in the sewing room, reviewing the bags that were sewn that day, fixing broken machines, keeping track of how many bags were sewn and making sure that all the girls got paid on time. She continued on that the least I could have done was leave the room for the meetings when they were planning the get-out-the-word, that my ideas would have been appreciated. I replied that if thats what she wanted, all she would have needed to do was ask. And that besides that, only one prometora had asked for my help, and I did help her (I did not point out that it was my and this prometora's idea to do the door-to-door campaign and hand out flyers, which is what ended up being done in all of the barrios, which is what they credited the large test numbers to).

Eventually, the main prometora (who was one of the ones talking the shit) gave a long speech (she does that often) about how it was really no fault of my own, that they were to blame for not being more specific with what they wanted. But that she believes that the reason the organization requested a volunteer was to help with the goals of the organization. Not to go out and work the the Mujeres de Lucha all the time, since they are a separate group with their own agenda and goals. Seriously! This AGAIN?? I told them that actually, the application stated that I was to work with groups of jovenes and mujeres in the barrios, and that is exactly what I am doing. The application asked for support with the HIV/AIDS project, and thats what I am doing (despite the fact that I find it boring, but I didnt tell them that part). I explained AGAIN that no one ever told me about this whatever-rift between the larger organization and the Mujeres until after I was already working with them, and that if they want to think of it as something that I do in my freetime, thats just fine, cuz I have no intention of stopping my work with them. I said that it doesnt really matter who is to blame, because placing blame never solved anything. I wanted to tell them that placing blame is like making Rice Crispy Bars--its far too sticky and is bound to get on the spoon and the bowl. And that work I do tends to go overlooked because I dont tend to take credit for things, because credit is really just blame's pretty step-sister, and is just as sticky. I didnt tell them those things because I dont know how to say sticky or step-sister or Rice Crispy Bars in Spanish, but I think the point got across even without my analogies on life.

So anyhow, the meeting ended with as many plans for how to utilize Theresa as it started with. Zero. Pfft! I was told that rather than them filling out the survey I had made about what they want, I should attend the Plan for 2008 Meeting (which, by the way, was scheduled right there on the spot, and has already been cancelled). I wondered whats the difference between having a meeting to talk about what you want (a meeting that I knew was going to end up not happening) and filling out a form about it. But I figured, whatever. Dont work harder than they are. My counterpart and the other prometora from her barrio were like, "Whatever. If they dont want you help, thats just more time you have for us." They filled out the sheet and told me they are ready to start when I am. I then went with them to a vigil for World AIDS Day and met the president of the local LGBTQ organization there. I got his name and contact info so that I can hopefully start working with that group at some time, too. He hasn't grabbed my fro and told me that I am fabulous yet, but I am sure he will eventually.

So yeah, in case you ever wonder what I am up to, this is what I am up to. I am working. I am attempting to make little silent waves of change by way of charlas and dance with my jovenes, and helping out with the Mujeres. EcuaTranslation: I am doing a whole bunch of nothing.

I should get going now, because I have lots of nothing to do for my organization that I dont help.

Paz,
Tere

Ps, I didnt mean it Ecuador! I love you!
PPs, spell check still not working. Un mil disculpas....