Kicking My Own Ass

(Before I get to the post, I warn you now that I recently brought my laptop back with me from the States, which means that I can write at home and more easily make blog posts. Basically what that means is that I will probably be posting more blogs, but maybe more than one at a time (for instance, today I am making 4 posts: 3 stories, one intro-explaination). I will also be back-setting the dates on those posts accordingly...okay, hope that all makes sense... and hope you dont get overwhelmed with The Theresa Show--cue theme song...what is my theme song??)

So today I got the bright idea to maybe teach yoga-pilates in the barrio.

This sprung from my deep, sinking feeling of complete and utter uselessness in the barrio today. I am sure the Mujeres would be upset to hear me say it, but I am feeling more and more (or as many mores as one can have after one week) since my vacation that they really don’t need me anymore. Did they need me to begin with? Well, not like they asked for me, but also not like I ever felt a “want” for things to do, or a need to (heaven forbid) “busy” myself. I felt like I was motivating them to get this Comedor back on its feet. I was trying to remind them of why they became a group in the first place, and bringing them back to the place where they worked together as a team, not as several separate entities. I was bringing in the outside so that they could bask in the sunshine that they created for themselves on the inside. I was a good volunteer.

Then I went on vacation, and things continued as normal without me. Or at least they continued as a post-Tere normal. I came back and found that my role had been divided up between various members, and that things were going as they should be (not quite as detail-oriented as they were with me, but going nonetheless. And with WAY fewer math mistakes, but hey, it was their choice to put me in charge of a math-oriented job!). Isn't this the goal? Isn't this that thing they call “sustainability?” For my community to pick up where I left off: be happy to see me, happy to have me around, but not really NEED for me to be there. I guess that’s the goal, trouble is the goal sucks for me. I hate to be constantly tuned into The Theresa Show, but here’s the thing: I like feeling wanted, but I like feeling needed more. I like feeling that my help is actually making a difference. Yeah, yeah, my help MADE a difference: I mean, look at where we are now. Not like I can begin to take credit for all the changes that have gone on in the last year with the Mujeres, but I equally am not gonna act like it had nothing to do with me. I did a lot of legwork, a lot of talking, a lot of brochure making, a lot of organizing, a lot of smiling nice and embarrassing myself in front of TV cameras, a lot of supporting and backing and encouraging…and finally, the Comedor is on its feet again.

So now what do I do?

I mean, I can still to the listado for lunch; that it is still helpful for me to keep track of who is eating lunch each day and making various payments. But that’s about the only role that I have going on right now…I mean, I guess by the time I left for vacation that’s how it was, too, but I had PLANS. Art class was done since the kids started school again and were sleeping in on Saturdays. I planned to fill my Saturdays then with classes for the mothers of the Comedor program. I figured I would alternate traditional (read “mostly-because-PC-makes-me”) charlas on nutrition, children's rights, care for kids, etc. with more practical (in my humble opinion) workshops on making flowers out of paper, making toys for your kids out of toilet paper rolls, making a campo oven, and knitting (that is once I learn how to knit…). But then I get back and learn that some classes for the community are going to be starting. I don’t know by who…some governmental something or the other I think. Anyhow it’s a wonderful, wonderful thing, but they are offering classes on EVERYTHING from cake baking to auto mechanics to crafts to computers. So again, I am at a loss. What the hell am I supposed to do? Just up and find a new community to work in because mine doesn’t need me anymore? Like hell I will! I freaking love this community fiercely, I don’t want to work anywhere else, I just need to know what to do!

So that’s how I came (back to) yoga-pilates. You see, the only reason I brought my yoga mat was because I had this pipe dream when I left that I would teach yoga-pilates to women or teens in my community once I had a “community” to speak of. That never ended up happening, mostly because I am too afraid. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can be fearless at times, but when it comes to putting myself out there like that, I am a big fat quivering coward. Which brings me back to why I referred sarcastically (in case you didn’t catch the sarcasm) to this being a “bright” idea. I did my yoga-pilates routine today and that’s exactly how I felt. Big, fat and quivering. You see, I haven’t used my yoga mat for a damn thing besides decoration in my home since…oh…January? Ok, lets be honest, probably more like December, and I'm talking early December. Now, everyone who saw me on my recent vacation knows that I “left half of me in Ecuador.” And I mean that not in some deep, touchy feely, philosophical way, I mean that like I lost a lotta weight (have I mentioned that? I lost weight! I’m sorta really freaking happy about it, so be not fooled that this will be the last mention of it…). However, loosing weight had nothing to do with purposeful exercise, rather it had more to do with walking too much, probably not eating enough, and sweating more than I ever thought I could possibly sweat…while sitting still…

So, in order for my Operation: Feel Useful Again in the Barrio to work out, I am going to need to do some working out. No one wants a yoga teacher who can barely hold the pose herself, now that’s not inspiring! In the meantime, I am going to continue to avoid “finding work to do” in the newly opened daycare, because work that involves several screaming children that do not stand past the height of my knees is NOT the kind of work I am looking for…just being honest.

Wish me luck!
Tere